In the last post, I made quite the statement saying your most powerful guardian is your Ego. It probably rocked a few people. It isn’t the most common of things to say in this day and age. Regardless, the statement is no less true despite how contrary it is to the popular view.
I also said in the last post that we want to point blame at different things instead of accepting our fault in matters. The more we do this the more baggage we accumulate of unresolved issues. This makes it that much harder to be objective with ourselves when we perform in a spiritual capacity. For example, how can you truly utilize Forgiveness for yourself if you do not see your mistakes? How can you Trust yourself if you keep lying about your behaviors and accountability? It goes hand in hand.
When life, as life does, makes you look at yourself objectively the first thing you want to do is scream, “BUT MY EGO…,” or “BUT MY DESTRUCTIVE SHADOW…” You separate parts of yourself to become something “other” and then try to push the blame on them. Does it make sense yet? When we do this, we blame ourselves while still trying to dodge blame. It is a paradox honestly. Yet this is the model that society has been taught to accept. And thus we have the paradigm of making our Ego and Shadow out to be villains rather than supportive parts of ourselves.
Then there is the conflation of the Ego with the Shadow. The Ego is of the Mind and the Shadow is of Spirit. They are two separate pieces of ourselves with widely different functions to help us have a healthy fulfilling life. When I get into Foundations of Spirit, the Shadow will be covered in depth. For now, I want to focus on the Ego itself. What is it?
The Ego is a part of our subconscious mind that is shaped by the various experiences we encounter. Whether those are traumas or celebrations. The Ego takes each of those moments in and creates core memories. It then references back to those memories for each new experience and releases emotions to give you signals.
Think of it like this, there is an art museum inside your mind. Each experience becomes a painting on the wall contained as a memory. The Ego is the Curator of the museum. When a new experience happens the Ego processes the signals you are receiving and takes you on a tour of similar experiences in the museum. It shows you the pain or anger you felt or the happiness and jubilation of similar instances. The trip down memory lane helps you to have a discerning eye during this new experience. The purpose isn’t to avoid the new experience, it is so you can better navigate it.
This is how a healthy Ego operates. As the curator of memories and the gatekeeper of emotions. Truly, there is no better way to gain control over your emotions than to partner with and develop a healthy Ego. If we continue with the symbology of the pirate ship we have:
Intentions are the Figurehead
Emotions are the Sails
Values are the Compass
Forces of the Mind are the Crew
Ego is the 1st Mate
Unhealthy Egos are sadly common in our world today. They take two forms, reclusive and explosive. A surplus of trauma AND celebrations are what create these unhealthy egoic states. Trauma is indicative of pain and suffering while celebration is of gain and reward structures. The two forms of unhealthy egos are not tied to trauma or celebration though. The unhealthy states are tied to the excessive quantity of trauma and/or celebration.
An overly traumatized person has a double traumatized Ego. The first trauma the Ego receives is the experience itself. The second is the person trying to compartmentalize the experience and deflect. The deflection is not accepting responsibility for the event. In the museum illustration, we can say that deflection is akin to telling the Ego, “I don’t want to deal with this, it's on you.” The Ego becomes a servant rather than a partner.
An overly celebrated person has a neglected Ego. Things are handed to them. Life is great until it isn’t. When it isn’t they cope by surrounding themselves with ways to make them feel like they are still celebrated. The person here wants to feel important and is consumed with that desire. The Ego’s advice goes unheard because that’s not what the person wants to hear. They just want to continue being celebrated.
That’s the general cause of unhealthy egos. The full scope of the topic is much greater than I could possibly write in a simple blog post. The causes create the symptoms. Which are the unhealthy Egoic States. Again these are either reclusive or explosive states. Each of them is a hindrance to you in a myriad of ways.
Reclusive
A reclusive ego has retreated in on itself. It closes off and does not want to experience anything the world has to offer. If feels it has experienced enough already. It feels like it knows all it needs to know and that every moment is going to be the same.
In a traumatized ego, this is equated to pain. The world is painful, life is painful, and experiences are painful. This ego says, “No more! Don’t do that you will only fail and it will be painful! Stick to the pain you know rather than taking on new pain!” Staying in this egoic state is akin to putting your hand in a bucket of salted ice water. The pain is sharp and cutting, your body recoils as nerve endings and tissue are damaged, and you fight every bit of your survival instincts to rip your hand out of the bucket. Why do you fight to keep yourself in a state of pain, because you know eventually, your hand will go numb as the pain normalizes.
That is what the Reclusive traumatized ego seeks, that normalization of the pain. When you have sat in it for so long that you become numb to it. You stay in your lane and comfort zone after this, because deviating will cause a new experience. And new experiences most likely mean new pain. You settle for the subparity of life rather than reaching for the stars. You exist and that is enough.
In a celebrated ego, this is equated to possessions. You have so much given to you. Material objects, friends, amazing family, etc. The list is endless. You begin to hoard these things because they are comfortable for you. The ego’s initial urging to “let go” is unheard and you become dominating and possessive. You tell the ego to be quiet because so long as you have your things nothing can go wrong. This gives rise to jealousy and greed. You don’t want to go beyond the things you know because what you have is known. You don’t want to meet your friends’ friends because your friends are YOUR friends. And when you do meet them you are cold and aloof because they are trying to take YOUR friends away from you. The death of a loved one is exceptionally painful for you and no one else could understand what you feel. No one else is hurting from the loss as much as you are. Your loss is greater than their loss because the family member was yours! Everyone else is just posturing and fake so besides the people who are yours, everyone else is cut off.
What more could you learn from the world? What new experiences could you bring into the mix? What if new experiences shake up your comfort? You are the powerful dragon atop your wealth and if you don’t guard it constantly it could be taken from you.
In life, there is pain and joy. There is gain and loss. These are natural ebbs and flows that we adapt to so that we can continue to grow and become better than we were yesterday. The reclusive ego stops us from growing. The ego is not the culprit here, our conscious waking mind is culpable. We just blame the Ego for getting in the way.
Explosive
The explosive ego can be a highly destructive force. The best way to describe the explosive ego is to use an illustration from Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Jail. In the end, there is a scene where Madea is speaking with Dr. Phil. There is a lot of deflection from anger and talking about getting got so get them before I get got cause I’m not gonna let them get me so I got them first. It is a great scene and pinpoints this form of unhealthy ego.
Traumatized egos that develop into this form tend to be proactively destructive. People who have experienced so much pain that the ego says, “ENOUGH! STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!” The signal though gets miscommunicated and suddenly the person is paranoid and suspicious. Making them have contingency plans on top of their contingencies. They lash out quickly and vehemently at the smallest slight to them. There isn’t a build-up leading to those outbursts because they were on edge already waiting for the moment to strike. They knew something was going to happen and they were ready for it. They didn’t know what but life has taught them experience is pain and happiness is fleeting. When you can have your moment, have it! They will not be lowered by others or situations. They will not be humbled. They cannot be comforted. They have to be in control and they have to be on guard. They don’t put out eggshells to walk on, they throw our land mines and laugh when one is triggered.
The Explosive traumatized ego seeks to inflict pain. They mitigate their pain by taking every tiny insult and turning it back on others. They want to feel powerful and imposing because if they keep that facade up then they can lie about the pain they truly feel. Most of these people cannot stand to see someone stand up to them. They will craft lies and insults of the highest degree just to put someone in their place.
This egoic state is the truest version of, “Fake it till you make it.” The phrase may be used to talk about how to have a “customer service” voice. But the masters of this phrase are people who are hurting so deeply that their only recourse is to be in turn vicious to others. They master it by weaponizing their trauma. If they exhibit unhealthy behavior and get called out there is an immediate response. The response will either be, “Well you did a, b, c…” or “Well I’m going through this and you don’t care.” The second one is the hardest to spot as an abusive manipulation because they are preying on your sense of pity. Usually, because they don’t say anything beforehand. They hold it to themselves and wait for the right moment to use it against someone else. It's a way to say, “Your feelings don’t matter because my problem is bigger.” With this egoic state, there is always ammunition in the chamber.
The flip side of this is the explosive celebrated ego. This is an ego that is told to shut up because what we want is what we want and we want it now regardless of if we need it or are ready for it. These are instances where people are not used to others telling them no. They will do whatever it takes to get to their goal. Even if the goal is as simple as praise they will bend over backwards to make it happen. That probably changed your imagined vision of the people I was talking about. Let me clarify. The explosive celebrated ego is one of the most problematic situations a person can be in because there are two versions of this egoic state.
The first version is the obvious. The greedy, conniving, lying, backstabbing version. But this isn’t as common as mass media wants us to believe. I truly want to help people which is why I started writing this blog. Does that mean I am not going to eventually put up Google Ad Sense? No. Does that mean I don’t hope for sponsors? No. It's not wrong to do work and want adequate compensation or support. It is not wrong to be goal-driven. I have not named or directly called out any individual or organization in my posts. That would be baiting. That would be conniving. That would be a publicity stunt to get more reads or views. I keep it vague on purpose because that is not the goal. The goal is to disseminate the information.
I recently spoke with some people about this. I, a gay man, do not like to go to gay clubs or the bar scene anymore. I once made a joke to a friend about an ex while out and about. It wasn’t a specific ex just a generalized joke about ex relationships. Another person, who was an acquaintance of one of my friends in the group, decided to ask me who my ex was. I said it didn’t matter it was just a joke. They pushed and pushed. They wanted that information. They wanted the names. They wanted to know if they knew who I was talking about. I refused to give it to them. It was at that moment that I decided, “I am no longer going to entertain this person because they LIVE for the drama.” Slowly that decision became, “I no longer want to be a part of this environment.” Maybe one day I will rejoin or be able to enjoy some nightlife in moderation but for now, there’s too much of that behavior and I don’t really want to be a part of it anymore.
This is an illustration of the first version of the explosive celebrated ego. These people don’t just try to make their lives the best over others. They actively seek out any shred of information to have an advantage or power over others. They will have what they want and they have no qualms about taking down others to achieve their goals. Like I said though, goal-driven or dedicated people get wrapped in this too. Goal-driven people are more common than these egoic state people are. Usually, it is the people in this state who are actively accusing honest goal-driven people of this behavior. Which is why I don’t jump on the various cancel culture bandwagons. Some are legitimate while most are explosive celebrated egos not having their way and trying to tear others down. It takes research and time to sort through which is real and which is just attention-seeking. This is where understanding, wisdom, discernment, and other Values and Forces of the Mind have to be utilized. To simplify, don’t jump onto cancel culture bandwagons without doing some research because if you do you are contributing to the problems.
I keep saying this version of this unhealthy egoic state is more uncommon than we think. What is the more common version? The yes-man version. This is the type of person who will say yes to anything and everything. They are willing to go the extra mile and do the extra work. This doesn’t sound “explosive” though, right? Think about it, without projecting judgment. Who do you know in your workspaces, family, or group of friends is a yes-man? When something is asked in those environments they are the first to pop up and say, “I got it!” It is usually immediate and explosive. How can a willingness to serve be “unhealthy?” In multiple ways, but in the most typical it is deflection.
A yes-man can appear in many ways. I want to stress that it is not bad to have a willingness to be of service. It is perfectly fine to be helpful. What we are talking about is the unhealthy version. This is when people use “being helpful” to procrastinate about what they are supposed to be doing. Those moments when what was a duty is neglected and they have the perfect excuse. “Yeah I was supposed to do that, but I was asked to do these other things which took up my time.” The table gets flipped to them being asked rather than them volunteering. They aren’t technically wrong though which negates any opposing arguments to their logic. This version dodges and weaves from their duties by making themselves too busy. But they evade the reckoning because they have the perfect excuse. They get to do what they want and the craziest part is they didn’t even pass off their duties to someone else. For them, it is a win-win scenario but in reality, something still didn’t get done.
The other yes-man scenario is the Santa Claus yes-man. They don’t bring gifts or presents, but they do make a list and check it twice. Every time they “get asked” to do something they make a mental note. They keep a running tally and use that as collateral. This way when they need something they use manipulation to overcome someone saying no to them.
In each of the explosive celebrated ego versions, the goal is how to get what they want. The exploitative attention-seeking version comes from either getting too much or too little attention. They want that attention they need that attention. They aren’t happy with themselves as they are so they need that validation and are willing to destroy others to get it. The yes-man versions either want to get out of something they don’t want to do or they want to hold others in a state of leverage. Both of these versions have been given what they wanted usually. Even if told no they found ways. There is greed and desire that overshadows the ego.
What needs to be said about the Ego in all of these is that the Ego was really in the backseat the whole time. The Ego was never the cause of these behaviors but it took the blame for it all. We say things like, “Oh they are so egotistical. It's always about them.” Or, “Ugh someone needs to check their ego, you’re not the only one hurting.” “Whoa, turn down the ego, I can be friends with more than just you.” All this time the Ego is locked away in the Mind saying, “I tried to tell them why are you blaming me?”
The Ego’s true function is like I said earlier. It is to analyze and catalog the memories of your experiences and then use them as reference points for new experiences. It is the main manager of the subconscious mind. Directing dreams to you when you sleep so you can process your experiences. It assimilates your triggers and glimmers so that when one is touched it can send you a burst of emotion notifying you to look closer at the present situation. A healthy ego says, “Hey hey hey…we don’t like this. We experienced similar things before and this is really close. Let’s evaluate and see if we can steer this a little differently.”
The healthy Ego stands up for you and teaches you how to stand up for yourself in a firm but healthy way. The Ego helps to shush the conscious mind and allow you to get out of your way. The Ego is not what stands between you and your goals. It is what stands at your side. If you are the captain of the ship and looking at your compass, crew, sails, and front of the ship. The Ego is standing by your side to let you know what the crew mate in the crow’s nest (Force of Discernment) is calling out. It tells you what ports to dock in for what supplies you need. It tells you the changes in the weather. It tells you if something needs repairs. It helps to give orders when you need to take a break.
Healing your mind and freeing your ego to perform as it is supposed to is easy but not. It is easy to say what to do to heal the Mind. Therapy. The process itself is not so easy. First, you need to find the right therapist for you! This is of extreme importance. Therapists are not one size fits all. You need to find one that will listen but also challenge you. If all a therapist does is listen to you for an hour and then say goodbye…well then all of your friends are therapists. A therapist worth their salt will listen and ask the right questions. They will push specific buttons to trigger you. This isn’t done maliciously. It is to get those triggers and memories to the surface. Healing of the Mind is processing through your experiences. It is about getting to those core memories and understanding why they became core memories. The right therapist is one who not only pushes the triggers but also recognizes limits. They will take the process slowly and patiently peeling back one layer at a time.
That’s why, even as a spiritual counselor, I have a strong opposition to substituting spiritual practices for medical therapy practices. In a lot of ways, spiritual “healers”, especially those coming out today, aren’t always the most gentle. They will battering ram directly to the heart of their clients’ issues which can be overwhelming. And it scares people away or makes them feel dismayed. It puts people into this loop of, “I have to heal. I have to heal. I have to heal.” You also have to live. Your purpose in life is to live not to heal. Healing is done gradually and slowly it begins to happen on its own because you create a healthy way of living. True spiritual healers are going to direct you to slow down and remember to live fully. Your Ego is going to do the same thing when you work with it rather than against it. It is going to steer you away from danger and into supportive constructive avenues.
Healing of the Ego will take a lot of patience to get through. Not only on your part though. When you are beginning to heal that relationship with this part of yourself one of the most common side effects is that the egoic state will flip. If you were reclusive it can flip to explosive and vice versa. This is fine. As I said, this is common. You go from one extreme to the next because you need to experience both sides of the coin. You cannot come to a place of balance if you don’t know what the other side looks or feels like. The reason this needs to happen is because when you get to a place of balance you can recognize when you start slipping into old behaviors and when you act oddly with a new set of behaviors. It helps to create a sort of bungee cord wall that you press into but springs you back.
You want to get to that healthy balance and it is going to take time, work, and patience. It starts with going to a therapist and really digging into those memories and experiences. Once you get to a better place you realize how the soft voice in the back of your mind saying either, “Go for it,” or, “Hmm this seems off,” is more often than not your Ego talking. Intuition is not the same as Ego, I want to point out. Intuition is a deep knowing with a flavor of certainty. Ego is more like Jiminy Cricket raising questions in the moment to make you pause and think.
This was another long post and I wish I could say they are going to get shorter again. Alas, I am not a liar. The deeper we go into spirituality the more complexity is added. The more complex we get in concepts the longer the posts will be. Not sorry about it because as I have said, I have been building you up as we go. The next post will be the wrap-up of the Mind though. As promised, I will go back to that introduction post and explain some of the symbology I listed out. Following that we will get to the Spirit part of spirituality. I want to say this now though, we are not going to be talking about ghosts, angels, deities, Mother Earth, etc. For this Foundational series, we are going to be focused on YOUR Spirit. The parts of it and their functions.
Until next time, please remember to live. Do something you enjoy for the sake of fun! You don’t have to always be healing so take a break and enjoy yourself.
Comments